you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
