The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Randomize
