He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
