Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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