Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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