You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
