I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize