Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
