she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Randomize
