i permit you to call me
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I am available for nakedness
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
