just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
