if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize