She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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