how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize