some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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