This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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