drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
