I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
