There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I just threw up on my dentist
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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