I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
