I can feel you judging me through the phone.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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