Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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