So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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