My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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