yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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