Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
