I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
where are my eyebrows?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
