he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
soo... how was my night?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
