hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
