Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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