And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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