nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
