So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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