The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You pole danced in your parka.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
