my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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