i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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