A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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