I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
