ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
