The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
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