just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
