He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
