Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
