I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
