and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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