Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
