My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
