just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
