I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
