Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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