I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
