Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
