If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
