i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
