Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
