I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
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