and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
