I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
