I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
