I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
